Episode 15: The Ballad of Edana Griolsa

Where am I?
Where am I?

There's an echo in the darkness.

Who are you?
Who are you?

No, not an echo. I am not alone, even here.

I thought, in the end, I would be afraid, but I'm not. I don't know where I am, but I am not afraid.

Where am I?
Where are you?

Ah. There you are. I have so many questions -

But it all falls away in a torrent of fiery agony, pouring like liquid metal into my skull, filling it like a bowl of pain.

I sit up, see that I'm back in the quarry. Una mumbles "that's odd" and collapses on top of me, utterly exhausted. I feel bad because I'm not very soft. Someone carries her off to rest. The pain dulls to a throbbing ache that consumes my skull. I can barely think around it. The pain distracts me for a long time - we tell something of our story to Edana and the other Griolsa, and they tell us of their own story. Its...incredibly sad. Another mark against us.

We should never have come here. We should have...I don't know. Died out among the stars and left Karia alone. We've brought nothing but evil. Their people are Goshi slaves. The ones they sent to find out what happened were enslaved or killed as well.

What is there but to tear it all down?

That night, we ambush some Eyeless who have come upon our hideout. It feels...good, and also terrible, to kill them. Kyoshi is a whirlwind of steel, genuinely frightening. I...wish I had his focus. He is fierce but...measured, maybe, is the word. He makes me feel clumsy, swinging my heavy arm and throwing rocks.

But they do the damn job, don't they.

The next day I end up looking for Edana. Una wakes up really sick and we need to find that cure that Highdive was brewing. And I realize that all of the Gogajin who got cut might be poisoned too. Edana doesn't like it, but Larkin already has the idea, and I just jump on with him. Its weird. I don't want to do anything that Edana thinks is a bad idea - but the Gogajin aren't afraid, so I don't let myself be afraid. There's a hole in my head, and I'm still bandaged up, but so are they, and they're just flesh and bone.

I love these people. I love them so much. I want to live here forever. But by coming here, I've destroyed their home.

We go into the village and everything is going good until Kyoshi and I come upon this...I dunno, crazy lady, digging through Rei's bag. I figure she's not a threat and go to take the bag, but she somehow throws me on my ass. She's a lot stronger than she looks. She whips out of the way of Kyoshi's sword but isn't fast enough to dodge a shower of rocks. She has second thoughts after that, but scampers off. I tell her 'nice throw' - because it was, and it seems to surprise her. I just don't know if she was that serious. If she's that good, and all she did was throw me...I'm not sure what she's after. Then she goes...fuzzy...and leaves. I don't have time to think about it - good riddance, I guess.

Heading back, I see a flash, and a bang, and before I know it I've called up...something - I dimly remember calling on it yesterday, it's...something inside of me. Will. Mana. Something. But I give it out, and shields come up just in time. The bullet misses Kyoshi - he's so fast! - and just slams into me and stops there. Nice try.

And suddenly she's flying off the cliff, with Kufu behind her. I hadn't forgotten about him. I wondered where he was in all of this. I guess it makes sense...hunting. And now he's...eating. I feel...ok about that. She shot me. Maybe twice. And for no reason I can figure out. She said something about how we were supposed to be 'evil'. Who's telling her this stuff? Well, now she's tiger-shit.

I think all of this is getting to me. But I know she's being eaten, and...I don't feel that bad. I guess...there's bigger stuff going on than one more damn crazy person trying to kill us. Get in line, whoever you are.

A lot of our time after that is spent helping the Griolsa and just watching them. I watch Edana going among them, encouraging them. I can't imagine how they feel right now, but they accept it. They see good in it. I can't, but they do, and they're the ones who have lost a lot.

When Matthew wants to talk to me, I wonder what it's about. He has to have something to say, because it looks like he's stuck here, cut off from the maniacs who brought him here, except for the Zipsum he calls Tricks. Maybe Eris was with him too. I just don't want to find the time to figure it all out.

Matthew wants to know if I'll come with him back to Geneva Prime to pick up with this plan that Ryu-whatever told him about, about how the First Mind experiment was wrong, and how we should all be one. And I start talking to him. I tell him all the things I tell myself, and he just talks right back, about how I'm special, about how I'm different, I'm famous. I don't want to be famous! He has no idea of how much others have had to suffer because of me. Everyone I've known longer than a few months is dead for all I know. Crushed. Scattered. Buried. Burned.

And I see something, wondering if it's true. There is something different. I couldn't see it before. Something different about all of us. I see...that Matthew won't come with us. So I push him. I tell him a true thing; it sounds true, and it feels true.

There are some people who find out what is happening, what is wrong in the world, and they feel like they have to do something about it. And there are other people who know something about what's going on, but they don't feel that...whatever it is. Maybe they think someone else will do something. Like the Cheldrun, they think it is someone else's problem, or that it can be fixed with money or bombs. Or like the Gogajin, they know what's happening but they love their lives as they are, they can't see all the things they can do, all the strength they have, apart from their life now. They're...too selfish, or too...I dunno...beautiful to see. At least, to see like I see.

I ask - which kind of person is Matthew? But I already know. He followed Ryu here and he wants to follow me home. He just doesn't see. And I don't know what else I can tell him to make him see. But I see that we're parting, and that he's not a threat to the Gogajin. He's not a bad person. But I'm not who he's looking for, and he's not what this...what this world needs. Maybe someday.

I respect that he's honest about himself. I think we part on good terms. I look forward to one person, at least, who I won't have to fight if I ever come back to Geneva Prime.

If I ever come back. With every kilogram of me, I don't want to. But can I get away from it? Can I really leave? I don't know. Maybe the Prill know.

Una's powers are growing. She cured everyone in the quarry. It was funny talking to Tricks about it - yeah, she has magical healing powers. You either get it or you don't. But Tricks is looking for the angle, just like a junkie. It isn't just drugs, it's the way that you think, the way you look at the world. Looking for the angle. How can Tricks get some of that? If you knew, you'd have it already.

Go home Tricks. You don't have anywhere near the stomach for it, buddy. Go home and look for angles there. There aren't any angles where we're going. There's just a price, charged over and over and over again. And this isn't for you. Keep Matthew safe, if you can, if you're really a guide. I hope no one pays you enough to make you try to shoot me one of these days. You'll just learn the hard way.

But after all of this, I relax. I see more clearly. Edana talked about how it is that we could be risking all of this - what would make us risk all of this, what would make us keep going even when all these horrible things keep happening? And I didn't know what to say. None of us said anything.

Because we're not thinking about it that way. The cost? Cost!? No, we don't see it that way at all. We see something terrible happening, and we have to do whatever it takes to make it right. We have to do the thing that Matthew can't, that Tricks can't, that even Edana can't, not because we're better, but because we have to. I look around at these weird people who have become the closest thing to family for me, and I know that they have to too, that even Rei feels something like what I feel.

So we're going to see this through to the end.

After that, I feel so free, so calm. I play with the Gogajin kids a little. I take a nap. I was dead and now I'm alive. I've been buried more than once and have dug myself out. I've been stabbed, burned, and filled with bullets of all kinds, poisoned, paralyzed, thrown around, hit by a train, slashed with evil mind powers. I've fought a giant demon and been thrown into a building while stuck in a train car.

And dammit I'm still here. And if there is anything I can do to see that people like the Griolsa are still here when it's all said and done, then I'll do it. And I think these people I'm with will do it too.

***

When we're leaving, Edana talks to us, and she gives out gifts. So that we'll remember, as if there was any way we could forget the Griolsa, with their mighty blade and their huge hearts and the great cairn they'll build to honor their dead. She gives us gifts, when she has nothing, and humbles us all.

She gives Rei a lock of hair, to remind her that she's desirable. I think Rei turns the deepest shade of green I've ever seen, aside from maybe frogs and grass. She gives Kyoshi a mead-horn, to remind him of temperance - and when he shouldn't be temperate too. Looking back, its probably good he never got that donkey-sex. She gave me a stone, to remind me that it isn't the work, but those you work with that matters. I know. Believe me, I know. She gave the gathered tears of the Griolsa clan's grief to Una, to remind her that she doesn't need other Vorax to be loved. She wilted and straightened up at the same time, and her feathers stood out as if she was cold. Even when I feel really bad, I know that I'm not the last Mechified. Not by a long shot. But...poor Una. Adonna gave a bag of oats to Highdive, to remind her of hospitality. I'm not sure if she got the message, but maybe she was still mad at Tricks. I thought she was going to kill that guy when he started talking about his wild cousins. And finally she gives Mokuzai...breath. I'm not sure I get it, but Mokuzai looked happy.

And so we took our leave, and shortly after, Kufu took his leave of us. I wonder what he learned from Eris.

I wonder if we'll see any of them again.

I'd rather have a bite from a Jevumm or a kick from a Gogajin than a parade in Geneva Prime.

The forgiveness of the Griolsa clan is so heavy...I can hardly bear it. And even now we can offer nothing in return, except our departure, which might buy them some safety. Its so heavy, but I can carry it.

And I think we'll have to carry a lot more before this is over.