Questions Without Answers

Purpose. Determinism. A chain of causation links me from the distant past to the present moment. Inase Spark mixes my DNA in a test tube. Doctor Soren teaches me that I am distinct from everyone. Sever and Stitch lie to me in their minds. Mama Pain instructs me in basic interrogation techniques. My first mission. My second mission. My third mission. Every mission. My last mission. Moses. The long flight. The battle. Gurandu-Oni. The long journey. Mistakes in the jungle. Zipsum. Jevuum. Gogajin. Prill. All connected, all bringing me inexorably towards this time, this place, this moment. I feel the truth of it in my bones: the hidden Purpose of my life is at work here, now.

It feels like everything I've ever wanted; it isn't what I wanted.

The pillars rise high all around me. Energy whirls behind me. They look down on me.
Kyou-Teeshee. Kyoti-sidhe? Susanoo. Tanuki. Amaterasu, as beautiful as ever. Poetry in motion, bringing death in the wake of her burning thoughts.

"Who are you? What do you want?" Even as I speak, I know that the words are only half directed at them. Moses and Kiyoshi's thoughts flow through my awareness; I am they and they are me. But only to me. Is that who I am? Am I Moses and Kiyoshi? Pride. Mastery. I feel them like they are my own emotions.

"I am Amaterasu," she says, looking down on me, birdlike and curious. She looks eager. They all look eager. "I want mana."

"I know your name," I say. "Who are you?"

"I am Amaterasu," she replies again.

I feel disappointment. I had hoped for something grander. Something... meaningful. Something more than a name. "Is that all you are?" I ask. "Don't you have anything of your own? Anything that wasn't provided, defined, and numbered by others?" Even as I speak the words, I know that I'm not really asking her at all. I am asking me. If there is a me.

She laughs. They all laugh. "This one of all the gods wants something more than what is provided and defined? This one of all the gods wants more than determinism?" They mock me. They all mock me. My disappointment deepens. Amaterasu is everything I want: Purpose, surety, beauty in destruction; everything I want is empty and unsatisfying.

Earlier, I told the Gogajin I was happy.

I'm not.

I don't want a man. I don't want ploughs or furrows. Aimi has that angle covered well enough, I think. Even if I weren't completely disgusted by the thought of such intercourse with any man, I don't want that kind of companionship. I have larger concerns.

I want to know why I was made. Why did you make me, Inase Spark? What is my purpose? I used to know, but it was all a lie. A lie propagated by Doctor Soren and Mama Pain. I am not who they said I am; Who am I? Do I have anything that wasn't provided and defined, numbered and approved for me?

My gaze flickers to Moses. Moses, who confuses me more than anything else. Moses, who feels more like a brother to me than Nero ever did. I know emotions I'd never experienced before because of him: shame, guilt, and horror. Everything I do horrifies him.

Kiyoshi, the mundane, who was willing to sacrifice himself to save my sister. To save Aimi. I've heard that Allskins don't just form domestic partnerships, but join families together into one. I don't really want Kiyoshi for a brother, but I suppose that's unavoidable now that he belongs to Aimi. I dislike him. Everything I do horrifies him.

Una. Una, who is the only thing that ever frightened me which I have not felt the urge to destroy. She makes me think of Mama Pain, but she's is more terrifying than Mama Pain ever was, and yet the thought of harming her or allowing her to come to harm is utterly revolting. Why?

Mokuzai. A useful resource. An irritating old man. He likes the sound of his own voice too much. Even so, I would not see him hurt unless it were necessary. Everything I do horrifies him, but not as much as everything I represent. I don't need to read his thoughts to know this.

High Dive. Free spirited and annoying. I never laughed near as much before I met her; I never laughed at all before I met her.

Rei. Zero. The empty void. The hollow girl. Bearer of the godstone's taint. Blood of the Scion. Reddened eyes. Determinism incarnate. Goddess?

The Kyou-Teeshee are waiting for your answer:
Who are you?
What do you want?

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