Hope Enough (Rei's Lament)

I sink into my bed on the Sennin, utterly exhausted. Emotionally spent. The cabin is dark around me, and the hum of the ship's engine is the only noise I hear, save my own breathing. Just once, for a moment, I shut out all the noise of Moses's thoughts, of Kiyoshi's thoughts, of Aimi's thoughts, even Ama-chan's thoughts: I shut out everyone else, and I am just myself.
Just Rei. I am alone with my thoughts.

I am alone with the Question.

The Question.

'You're a hero, Rei.' The words come back to me unbidden.

There is blood on my hands, Moses. ...So much blood. I've killed so many people I've lost count, and not all of them were guilty. Men, women, children. Executives, workers, students. I've made death with my hands since I was twelve years old... I've done terrible, terrible things, and I did them with a song in my heart. I still do. I felt the suffering of all of Karia, and I laughed.

I know that you meant what you said, but I don't believe you. I don't believe you for a moment. A hero? No.

How often I've tried to change. How completely I've failed. Time after time, I try, I try, I try again, but I've never really changed. Not where it matters.

Not inside.

Purpose. I thought I knew what that was, once. Then it all went away, and I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted all over again. I thought that if I knew the answers to those questions, I'd know what my Purpose was again.

... but who I am isn't what I want.

I am not a good person, Moses. I never have been. I never will be. I prove that every day. With every word. With every action. ... is it enough that I want to be?

Aimi wouldn't understand, either. She's never wanted to be anything other than what she is. Who she is. She's Aimi, and you either take her or leave her. Kiyoshi hasn't learned that. He thinks he can change her. If a person can't even change their own self, how can they change someone else?

... Purpose. What Purpose can there be? Is there even such a thing? ... On the Wandering Star, I thought I knew what my Purpose was, but I'm no First Mind. Half breed. Hybrid. Project Scion. Can there really be no understanding? Is there really no peace?

...

I am The One Who Hopes.

The words are true, but is that it? Is that enough? Is Hope the source of Purpose? Are they the same thing? ... I don't understand now as much as I did before.

What do you think, First Minds? ... Oh hell, you don't care. You just want me dead. Me, and all the Cheldrun on the face of the planet. What about you, Karia? You're supposed to be alive, aren't you? Are you watching me? Do you hear me? Is there even anybody out there at all? And is there Hope enough, is there grace enough, to forgive someone like me?

...

3 comments:

Aric Clark said...

Oh this party is so emo...

Except High-Dive. Nothing emo whatsoever about her.

Paul Wise said...

Incorrect. This party is actually as far from Emo as it is possible to get.

To illustrate the difference between emo and not emo, I have created a helpful chart:

Not Emo: Angsting because your grandmother died.
Emo: Angsting because you can't get your hair to do that flippy thing like that guy from that band can do.

Not Emo: Angsting because your parents subjected you to brutal torture, abuse, and ultimately tried to have you killed.
Emo: Angsting because your parents "just don't get you."

Not Emo: Angsting because people you consider friends killed your brothers and there was nothing you could do to stop it.
Emo: Angsting because your life is a black abyss, you know, it's so dark. And it's suffocating you. Grabbing a hold of you and tightening its grip, tighter than a pair of you little sister's jeans... which you insist look great on you."

Not Emo:Angsting because you had to watch your entire species be burned to cinders.
Emo:Angsting because you had to watch 'Happy Days' with your parents on 'Family Fun Night.'

- Hoping it is found useful. ;P

Stacia said...

LMAO @ Paul! That chart was EXTREMELY helpful. Especially for poor me who's a little out of the loop.

Also, I really enjoyed the post. What a great smattering of feelings and thoughts. Isn't it great that the Heroes of Karia are all confused as hell? ;)


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