Kick-Ass Queen: A Ball of Fur and Fury

The Kick-Ass Queen Award goes to the character who most players agree did the most devastation in the coolest way through the entire season. This prestigious award is accompanied not only by the trophy emblem (right), but by 5, count them 5, of the coveted red Never Gems. The honored recipient of the third ever Kick-Ass Queen Award is High-Dive Bludgeon, the deadliest squirrel ever to crack a nut.

I admit that when I was given this assignment I almost shit myself. It is an honor to get to interview the recipients of these awards, but High-Dive Bludgeon has a bit of a reputation. Being a mere 200 point NPC I was extremely nervous about the prospect of coming face to face with the mammal who put the wild in the word... um, wild. If half of the reports are true, then she is personally responsible for some radical, Oni-scale destruction. So I trembled more than a little when I was told that her agent agreed to the interview.

What can I say about High-Dive? She is a study in extremes. When she is active she is a metabolic force of nature. She moves so fast that she shatters the sound barrier. When she is calm, such as when a companion is rubbing her tummy, then she is like a limp towel. Incidentally, this entire interview took place in the context of an extended tummy-rub. When I tried speaking to her without the manual assist, her answers came back in speech too rapid to be comprehensible, though her close friends do a decent job of interpreting.

"Our relationship with High-Dive," Kiyoshi said cautiously, "is what I would describe as... explosive."

I encouraged him to continue.

"What I mean is, things in High-Dive's vicinity tend to explode. So far those things have not included any party members, so we keep her around."

"Plus," Moses added, "how are you gonna stop her?"

An apt point.

Rei was much more positive about her furry companion. "High-Dive's aggressive tendencies are very useful if carefully encouraged against the right targets. Personally, I consider her presence in our party as something akin to possessing a tactical nuke. When other people know you have one they tend to surrender really fast."

Una had been handed the tonic squirrel subject by this time to continue the rub-fest, so I asked her what she thought of the only other surviving Karian in the group. I was looking for the human interest angle on the story so I encouraged Una, a tragic figure herself, to give me some insight into the troubled psyche of this little squirrel that might explain her violent tendencies.

Una thought for a moment, "Nah, High-Dive just likes to blow shit up."

As for High-Dive herself, the only words she had for this interviewer were, "Did you bring me candy?"

An enigma? Or just one violent little rodent? Either way she is this season's Kick-Ass Queen. She is High-Dive Bludgeon: a ball of fur and fury.